It’s now two and a half years since I broke down and was diagnosed with «exhaustion depression,» also known as «burnout». Since then, I’ve spent countless hours in psychotherapy and working on dissolving my unhealthy patterns. I was convinced that by now I was setting boundaries conscientiously, just as I’d been told to do over and over again. Until the events of the past few weeks spiraled out of control.
On top of the everyday chaos of being a working mother to a toddler – who has just started daycare – suddenly came private conflicts I hadn’t seen coming. As if coordinated, several people I know personally, though some I hadn’t seen in a very long time, tore into me. They just wanted to «get something off their chest,» because «it had to be said.»
At the first attack, I reacted instinctively, just as I had learned as a child: by crawling on my knees, justifying myself, somehow trying to patch things up – even if I couldn’t understand the accusations. The main thing was to restore harmony. But then: I got rejected. «That’s it for me, I don’t feel like having any further discussion!» Ouch. The feeling of helplessness that sets in when you’re unable to resolve a conflict and be «liked» again is something many people pleasers will know all too well.
This weighed heavily on me, especially in an already stressful phase. I lay awake at night, brooding, analyzing the accusations, reflecting on my behavior and still couldn’t make sense of it. At some point, luckily, I realized that this endless loop of thoughts was complete nonsense. Because this person had long since ceased to be part of my life, and therefore it really could – and should – not matter if they didn’t feel like having me around anymore.
I then resolved to react differently in a similar situation in the future. And just like that – as if the universe wanted to test me – I was immediately given the next opportunity. This time I didn’t reply; instead, I simply tapped «Block contact.»
A little proud of myself, I told a friend about it. She congratulated me on this step forward – but then she said something that stuck with me: «It’s just a pity the person probably won’t even notice that you blocked them.» After our conversation, her words kept working on me and ultimately raised the following question: «Why do these people even feel they can treat me this way?»
By chance, I then stumbled across a post on Instagram by the German psychologist and bestselling author Stefanie Stahl. In it, she lists the reasons why other people «cross your boundaries»:
- You don’t respect your own boundaries.
- You’re not consistent with your boundaries.
- You’re ambivalent: your head says «no», but you say «yes».
- You don’t hold people accountable for their behavior.
- You haven’t communicated your boundaries.
- You think it’s enough to communicate your boundaries just once.
The penny dropped immediately: yes, over the past few months I had learned to set boundaries – but only with myself! I had been meticulous about not overloading my calendar, making sure to carve out me-time, eating enough, and getting enough sleep. But the gate to my little mindful paradise stood wide open. Anyone could just stroll in and dump their mess on my lawn!
Fortunately, Stahl provided the instructions in her post on how to prevent that from happening in the future:
- Communicate your boundaries immediately and directly.
- State your boundaries more than once, if necessary.
- Express how the boundary violation makes you feel and what behavior you would prefer instead.
- Announce your consequences – and then follow through with them.
«Well, if that’s all …,» I thought a little boldly, unblocked the person and started writing them a message. Objective, clear, and firm. But what shocked me was how intensely my body reacted. When I hit «send,» my hands were trembling and my heart was racing. I realized: the people pleaser in me was shaking with fear! And then what happened? Exactly nothing. The person didn’t respond. I suspect I’ll never hear from them again. Which is completely fine – because I have no interest in letting them put me in my place ever again.
That aha moment was a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been practicing diligently. Practically every day there are situations, both at work and in my private life, where I ask myself: «Does this feel right for me?» And if the answer is «No,» I now communicate that kindly and directly. If necessary, I repeat myself – and less kindly, if it comes to that. By now, my body no longer reacts. And I can’t even tell you how liberating and empowering this feels!
Maybe some of you can’t even relate to what I’m saying – because you were fortunate enough to learn as children that saying «No» is okay and will be respected. For everyone else – and there are definitely many of us – I wrote these lines. Because you can do it too. From people pleaser to people pleaser, my wish for you is this: be brave. It’s worth it.
Julia Panknin is a freelance journalist, speaker, and consultant focusing on parental burnout and the balance between children and career, as well as the founder of mamibrennt.com. Originally from Munich, she has lived near Lake Zurich for 15 years and shares custody of her young daughter 50:50 with the child’s father.
For Transparency: We first published this text on October 2, 2024.
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